Steve Urkel: Can I have a glass of milk to go with my face? I wish I'd never done it. Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD: You paid him off. Carl Otis Winslow: Oh gee that'd scare me. Steve Urkel: Oh no! Carl Otis Winslow: I know. You are such a sweetheart. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Well, so is Urkelbot! [heads for the stairs - Carl grabs him by his suspenders] I almost got ya there, Carl. Laura: Yeah. Got anything in the fridge? He couldn't cover his head with his hat. No! Poor Laura has worked so hard and now she has to drop out of the race. Dexter Thornhill: [after being found guilty at Urkel's trial] Darn you Urkel, Darn you to Heck! I'm cooking breakfast. Forget it, Steve. Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Oh, cool. Harriette Winslow: Carl, you snuck into my card box and gave me a card that I already have. [removes Carl's napkin from his shirt and tosses it on the coffee table]. Laura Lee Winslow: That's right, I don't know, and I still like the Cards. My doctor slapped the wrong end. Laura: Well, then not even in your dreams. Steve Urkel: Hi Laura, my little sweet potata! Laura Lee Winslow: What you did for me tonight was really special. He's half-Nerd, Half-Carl. Eddie: I meant, I haven't seen her today. I may get F's, but, by God, I earn them! Don't nothing, never mind me, Carl. He created a machine that could cause items to grow in size. Now, I may have taken a sip of my mom's coffee, but I Chain: I'm talkin' about the other kind of wired! Laura: You know, I shouldn't be mingling with the opposition, but I just wanted to tell you how handsome you look under fluorescent lighting. Steve Urkel: You know, every time you laugh you burn off three and a half calories? Eddie: I'm the one who's taking the test. Carl, you given me a half-eaten box of candy. Steve Urkel: Oh, I am so glad you said that! Rachel Crawford: Uh, Steve, would you mind coming over to the restaurant on Sunday at about 7:30? Why, how low can you get? Steve Urkel: Really? Because check this out buddy, you're alone. Steve Urkel: All right, Laura, we'll randeavou at the Isetta. Harriette Winslow: Carl Otis Winslow, I'm ashamed of you. It's the closest I'll ever get to marrying you- thats why I wanted you to have this- no strings attached- just the one to my heart. So I walked in the library, sugar, I couldn't believe my eyes, there were THOUSANDS of books just sitting there waiting to be read. Baby Girl: You couldn't push me out of this park if you wanted to! Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: [sympathetically] Eddie, Carl was just about your age when he lost his dad. It's not funny, it's dangerous. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Good answer! https://www.quotes.net/movies/family_matters_102099, https://www.quotes.net/movies/family_matters_quotes_102099. YOU'RE WHERE? Make my day! All the doo da day. Ouchith! They're disgusting. I got fifty bucks on the Knicks. I'm in big trouble! [faints]. One minute, "Moo!" Everywhere you look, TV, movies, magazines, all these 90 pound people, smiling, dancing where do they get the strength? Seems I'm having all the luck. Trying to cover it up would only make it worse. Let's keep this one! [Willie is upset at Waldo as Laura shows up to the crime. Rachel Crawford: The balcony scene is next. Carl: Maybe you can even resurrect your band. But honey, let's put a positive spin on it. [strikes a pose] Laura? No. Steve Urkel: [on the stage of the strip club] Stop the music! Steve Urkel: Now that Waldo's out of the picture, does that make me your number one reject? Carl Otis Winslow: Edward Arthur Winslow, son I'm ashamed of you. Steve Urkel: No, well, actually it's my Uncle Ernie's hearse. He did for suspenders in the 1990s what Robin Williams' Mork from "Ork" did in the 1980s - he made them cool. Edward 'Eddie' Winslow: That's what I said, but Dad still said no. Steve Urkel: Oh, why not? Laura: [Long pause] Your looks. A small gastronomic goof up. Harriette Winslow: Laura, you've had your head in those books all morning, got a big test coming up? Waldo: Life is short, and so it Gary Coleman. Waldo Geraldo Faldo: [talking to Chondra in the bar about Maxine] Aww, yeah, she's a sweetheart but if she caught us in here together she'd rip off your arm and beat me with it. Carl Otis Winslow: Alright Harriette, you were a liiiiiiiittle abrasive tonight. Join. You have the right to remain silent. Carl Otis Winslow: Tomorrow. Rachel Crawford: It's almost impossible to find a job these days. Harriette Winslow: She says OGD's a great kid, but he hasn't had it easy in his life. Steve Urkel: I have a lot of personal experience in first aid. Laura Lee Winslow: Let's just take that risk. Stefan Urquelle. Should I be getting some Handi-Wipes? Steve Urkel: Don't we remind you of The Temptations? There's no one I wanna say no to more than you. Carl: I don't have to take this, I'm going home! Laura Lee Winslow: [as Laura Wigglesworth, pointing a gun at Johnny] The narration to finish! Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Way to go Carl! Cop: [Searching Willie and Waldo] Ok, where did you hide the booze? Carl: I just had the worst day of my entire life. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Every day for 6 months. Eddie, your father left you three messages for you and you never called him back. "Tomorrow Dad!". [Carl hits the mantel] Carl. Rachel Crawford: Honey, how long were you in there? Laura, please. Aunt Oona: Well not good, my kitchen exploded. [walks into the bathroom]. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Laura, I kept this ring in hopes that one day you would accept it. Why would anybody want to kill her? Willie Fuffner: [Grabs Steves gloves] Urkel, you are dead meat! Welcome to Leroy's! Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Chuck is twice the man Raoul is. The only reason I asked you to be my partner was because I was worried about my grade. I wanna read it to my mom. Rachel Crawford: Well at least we know where it is. Carl Otis Winslow: It's full, Harriet! Ms. Steuben: Uh, excuse us just a minute. [sees the kids] Oh my Lord! Laura: [Curtis is about to break bad news to Laura] Curtis! Laura: For the last time, Steve. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: [Stands up] Dad, I'm not implying. Ms. Steuben: Oh, good. He's fanning his hace with a plate as Eddie walks in]. Edward 'Eddie' Winslow: [told he can't go to the party] You mean I was nice for nothing? Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Yes, those were very confusing times. I didn't expect you to be in there and I feel like such a worm. Harriette Winslow: Oh no no no. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: As long as you're up, bring me a piece. Cool. They just love juicy gossip. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Hey Steve, Was'sup? Sergeant Shishka: Don't insult my Army. It's Monday! Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: [nervous laughter] Great Wedding, huh dad. Family Matters is a comedy that has many serious episodes, something many sitcoms delve into from time to time, but "Good Cop, Bad Cop" is possibly their best offering of drama. Oh, yes it is! Why, you teach us things about life! Wha? He heads downstairs to confront Steve]. 89. Carl Otis Winslow: I'm not finished yet. Laura: She didn't need a hairstylist, she needs a fairy godmother! Carl Otis Winslow: [after bringing Eddie home from jail] Now Edward, stop looking around for Steve. Waldo: I can't talk to girls. I've got the STD, all I need is U." 3. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Who do you think bought his first pair of shoes? Ms. Steuben: But here you are. At a party, once, he clamped cables to his earlobes and jump-started a Volkswagen. Carl Otis Winslow: [to the racist cop who pulled Eddie over] You know, I don't know how that badge stays up, because it's pinned to sludge. The truth is you deserve a kiss. Stefan Urkelle: Well, it could be a few days, or weeks, or [Steve voice] any minute now! Steve Urkel: Whoa. Carl Otis Winslow: I understand that. Carl Otis Winslow: Thanks for the present son. Judge Vance: All right, young man, call your first witness. Weel Good Lord man, she's an overnight success story. And what about the car show last Saturday? Urkelbot: [Kojack Impression] Who loves ya, baby! Remember you wished that Steve could find out what's it like to be you. Steve Urkel: You said, "Get a life, Steve", A week ago you would have said, "Get a life, TURBONERD". It meant a lot to me. Waldo: Yeah, but I was so nervous when I asked her out that before she could answer, I barfed all over her shoes. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Yeah, I went to sleep and Stevil made a guest appearance. Easy Eddo. Carl: What are you talking about? Carl: I can't tell him I don't remember him! Steve Urkel: I had my first allergy attack when I was nine. Steve Urkel: Well, Laura doesn't want a date with me. You know that in Kenya, "Urkel" means "a benign cyst on the foreleg of a wildebeest"? Laura: Dad, you're exacerbating the situation instead of ameliorating it. Then we par-tay, see no problem. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Well why don't you take the guy's next door? Harriette Winslow: For my birthday, you bought me an exercise trampoline. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: No no no no no. [Waldo nods as Eddie goes to the last one]. We'll start with a common Korean phrase. Laura: [gasps] I'm sorry, I'm so sorry please forgive me. Steve Urkel: I can't believe this! I just wish it would all go away, Daddy. Steve Urkel: So, you used me! Harriette Winslow: Now here's something I didn't know. Bushwhacker Luke: Me and me brother, we hate cops! THIS? Carl Otis Winslow: Richie, I get the money back if the helmet breaks. Carl Otis Winslow: Come on, Harriette! I love ya too much to build you a dud! I can see my dad! Steve Urkel: [while Laura and Maxine hit Steve with two Boston Cream Pies] No, AAH!, WAAAH! Can you give me some money so I can finish my Christmas shopping? Wow, are you wearing a bra? More like The Repulsions. Oh! Wha? [poins to the part on Harriette's diary] Aha, it's over with me and Raoul. "Some people are ignorant, they're afraid, they hate anybody and anything that's different. [the photographer takes a snap shot of Eddie nerously laughing as Carl drives him away]. Steven Quincy "Steve" Urkel: I demand satisfaction. Besides it's just a joy ride what could go wrong? Harriette Winslow: You eat all that ice cream and you can kiss your diet goodbye. We'll go camping together some other time. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [to Officer Wigglesworth as played by Carl] We're on the same side of the law. What do you get when you multiply a negative by a negative? I'm sorry, call you next week? He interruped my phone call meant for Laura. Steve is clumsy and obsessive yet charismatic and likable. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: That stinks. Steve Urkel: Okay. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [Opens Diary] January 1, We had a wonderful New Years Eve party, except Carl got sick and threw up in the living room. Verbs are our friends. With Squeeze I'm not safe nowhere. When my dad said you fixed me up with Laura; why, I thought I'd wet my pants! Included in the potential "Did I Do That?" It was my nickname in preschool! Laura: Steve, I know it's a lot to ask, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd tutor Todd. Rachel Crawford: Good. No. It's late. Carl Otis Winslow: He and Steve got busted for gambling. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: We took in $2,000 dad and we want you to have it. Doo da doo da. Ms. Steuben: No, I'm a nervous teacher! Steve Urkel: Oh, I see. Carl Otis Winslow: Or in my case, Hello Rubber Chicken. Well, why didn't you tell me? I'm telling you straight out, I hate this. I could hear him sobbing in his suspension chamber. Steve Urkel: How tough am I? I never got less than than an A. Steve Urkel: So, I can't live with that! [Urkel is playing Danny Boy on his Swiss Melody Chimes and Carl is furiously awaken by it. Steve Urkel: Oh, nothing. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Forget it, Carl, it's quicksand. What is the value of X? Steve Urkel: Practice. Carl: Uh-oh. Curtis: My whole family is flying out to Washington for the funeral, Laura: Can you wait a day, of course you can't. I have feelings. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: I have been scared straight, I saw a guy who had a tattoo of a battleship. Please, my little Rapunzel. [to self] WOW! Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Dad, cash is so impersonal. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Dad, when are we leaving? Steve Urkel: 'Standardized Urkel Elementary Math Exam'. Becky Sue: Oh, we couldn't do that. Laura Lee Winslow: [in tears] Daddy, everything's a mess! Richie Crawford: We're going to play with these toys for 30 days and return them, like Uncle Carl's going to do with his peanut helmet. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: My uncle, Elijah Urkel, has been struck by lightning four times. Gun, Carl. Our limo awaits. Allison: Well then you better find some new friends, or you better plan to join a different sororiety. And I like the Red Sox. Waldo Geraldo Faldo: over and over and over. Family Matters is an American sitcom series that originated on ABC from September 22, 1989 to May 9, 1997, before moving to CBS from September 19, 1997 to July 17, 1998. Carl Otis Winslow: Steve, The real Psycho Twins would have still been in the ring wrestling, If It wasn't for Your stupid sleepy juice. Laura Lee Winslow: No, it's the whole school! Steven Quincy "Steve" Urkel: Fuffner, I've heard of some low things in my time, but forcing Laura to go to the dance with me is plain dispicable. But, I'd be willing to pay you. Lt.Murtaugh: Do you know that woman Winslow? Laura Lee Winslow: I don't know, and quite frankly, I'm tired of thinking about it. Carl Otis Winslow: [after being frightened by Pablo, the stick bug] Did you see the size of that thing? Could you write that A down on a piece of paper? And I know that baseball card meant a lot to you. [Laura has stuffed her bra with Eddie's socks], Steve Urkel: [entering] Hi gang! Harriette Winslow: Honey, that's not true. She xeroxed it over and over and over and over and [Steve covers his mouth for one second. Let me tell you something though Weasel. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Oh well Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: You mean to tell me that the Army screwed up the paper work again. I don't *ever* want to work for you again. So, is it all right with you? You'll never know how much time you'll have together. I'm finished with this witness, your honor! He breaks something a beaker along the way]. [stares at the racist cop] Black. Steve Urkel: No, I don't like to disturb anyone. . Muskrat Time! Carl Otis Winslow: Only 2 of them were his. Steve Urkel: You didn't even make it onto the chart! Could you write that 'A' down on a piece of paper? You're so beautiful, you take their breath away. Steve Urkel: Because, I love you love you love you! Why, it'll ruin my transcript! Steve Urkel: Hey, you gotta get up if want to get dow oh [guests scream as Steve falls off the edge of the roof]. Steve Urkel: Why, sure! Me and Laura went ice skating together. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: I couldn't even go in. Urkel, the camera was on Eddie the whole time. He left the minute we put a warrant up for his arrest. You're wrong, the maitre'd gave me a two for one coupon. If there was one thing I thought the show could have brushed up on, it would be the premise of the episodes. I'm going home! Right now we're going to have a wedding, but directly after that we're going to have a funeral. Harriette Winslow: Are your parents happy with the new you? Laura Lee Winslow: Tonight is the charity bachelor auction. Steve Urkel: This page is in Korean. Excuse me Waldo, is there something written on your arm? Harriette Winslow: Harsh? Carl: Son, I am no neophyte when it comes to electronics. I just got a job! Ms. Steuben: Yeah, well Steven, you're not taking Home Ec. [Carl steps in the chamber and Stefan starts it up]. Well, he got it trapped in the rear door of a Buick and was dragged eight and a half blocks. Laura: There's an Urkel in our defense department? [He and his partner grabs Willie and Waldo]. Pick a general observation about her personality. You know what? Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Allison, is that true? I'm jealous of Todd and you want me to help him. But, you're a teacher, Ms. Steuben, and a daaarrn good one. We were just having a little fun. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [Waldo heads into the kitchen as Steve emerges] You o.k., Eddo? Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [Stephan] Laura Winslow, you are the sun, the rain, and the wind that flowers my soul.